I'm often asked, “So what happens after you're tied up? Do you have sex once someone is suspended? What comes next?”
Honestly, the answer changes every time, and with every different person, and even with the same person, the answer can be different each time! Do some people like to mix rope with what might be considered mainstream heteronormative, penetrative sex? Yes! But many don’t, many never do, some will, and some might, with some people… It’s as varied as the number of people exploring.
A more interesting and thought-provoking answer may be that, for many people, the kink and the rope is the play. It's not about tying someone up and then starting the "fun stuff." The intimacy, the closeness, and the tension (literally and figuratively) are what is arousing or pleasurable in and of itself.
Many of us have been taught or socialised to believe that pleasure and intimacy are really just about one thing, our genitals (boring). So, it’s understandable that we might assume rope and kink are just a means to get to what we typically do when we're turned on. However, kink and BDSM offer so many opportunities to connect with pleasure, sensuality, sensation, and intimacy, potentially all without ever needing to be naked, though sometimes that is fun too.
Intimacy is about vulnerability and trust. Yes, we can experience that through sex, but we can also deeply experience it, and perhaps even tap into forms of pleasure and connection we didn't know were possible, when we put aside our expectations and explore other ways of engaging with our bodies and our partners. The assumption that it all needs to lead to sex may actually prevent us from experiencing other possibilities or outcomes of play. By staying open, we leave space for surprising and curious new dynamics to emerge.
Kink and BDSM make room for fantasy, playfulness, and sensation, all of which require deep communication, trust, and consent. So, yes, sometimes it might involve sex, but it can also be exciting and different to explore without it. Kink can also invite us to experience sex differently from how we usually do, because we’re involving new types of play, tools, or scenarios.
One thing to note is that with certain types of kink, like rope bondage or impact play, there's already so much sensation, intensity, and feelings to process. Your body is moving, interacting with textures and pressures in new ways. At least initially, I would recommend not immediately introducing something deeply sexual or more physically intense. It might be more enjoyable to explore the kink on its own before combining it with sexual play, and if you do, go slowly and check in. I would never assume that people expect or want to involve sexual/genital play in kink unless it is explicitly agreed.
Kink invites us to step outside our usual routines and try on something different. That can mean kink with no sex, or kink with a very different type of sex. Once again, there are endless combinations and possibilities, just as I mentioned at the beginning. Often, people ask this question "what comes now?" - because when stepping outside of our comfort zone, especially when new to something like Shibari, there's a tendency to revert to what's familiar, or to do what we think is expected. The beauty of this experience is that there are no expectations. The only expectation is to stay connected to your own needs and boundaries, and to remain in open communication with your partner. Even if you initially agree to explore sexual play, that can change at any moment, and that's completely okay. In fact, it can be a relief to acknowledge this, as it opens up so many possibilities for exploring other forms of pleasure.
So, is rope bondage about sex? The answer is essentially: maybe, sometimes, yes, and no! I personally LOVE to mix kink with sexual play, with certain people when the mood is right, though sometimes there will be an 'erotic energy', yes touch and closeness and intensity - but 'sex' itself? Often not.
Ultimately, it's up to you. It's always fun to be left wanting more, and you can always do more the next time - it's hard to do less. Always discuss with your partners, don’t make assumptions, be open and communicate!
With love! Sophia
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